As of late, I, personally, have been in a very dark place. One of such darkness, that I've lost my path, my light, my truth, to an abyss. A place so dark, that things like suicide run through my head. This is the reality of depression.
I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I've allowed things like my postpartum depression, health issues and life events creep in, and, over time, have slowly sucked the light out of my soul. The most recent events not only put me into a downward spiral further into the abyss, but it also gave me the opportunity to evaluate my light and life force. I have a lot of people to thank for helping to shine a dot of light at the top of that abyss and start showing me the way back out.
As I think very deeply and look back on life, I wonder what happened to me. What was so terribly wrong that I thought there was no hope? I'll tell you some things. I allowed all of the negative events in my life to take control. Control over my thoughts, feelings and in a manner that it started to slowly dim my life light. My soul started to scar over with choice after choice I made to try to find a replacement for that negativity with instant gratification, whether it be food or shopping, or anything, really. It wasn't and hasn't solved anything. The negative events still happened, and now I've compounded that with bad behaviors and negative reinforcement. This realization is me, starting to learn my truth.
I am not alone in this way. Many suffer from depression, and there are people who are better off with their coping mechanisms than others, and there are many who have not been able to get out of that abyss and just live there. Why do we choose to do this to ourselves? The human psyche is a myriad of unknowns. I knew this. I learned all of this from the psychology courses that I took for my nursing degree. I was aware that this happened; I just didn't think it would happen to me. I was stronger and better than that. I was wrong.
I am strong, though. My mom always says that I come from 'tough stock' and that I've always been tough, emotionally, mentally and physically; I can get myself out of this pit of darkness. She's right. My husband is right. My kids are right. My friends who have reached out to me and are there for me are right. They're all right. I am strong. I can climb my way out and they are there with outstretched arms, ropes, flashlights; whatever I need to help me out of the endless pit. But, that can only go so far. That ladder is only so tall. Their effort can only reach so far. It is my responsibility to look within and find the tools and the determination to get myself out. They are all just there to assist.
So, this realization of my truth; what I choose to do with my life, the negative events, the happy accidents; these are the reality of my life and the light that I can shine into my soul and share with the ones that I love and the world. So, today, I choose my truth; my light. A mental state of new ways to cope with the negative events, thoughts and actions I take. I choose my light.
I wish many blessings of love, light and truth, to all of you. And, if you know or think someone might be in a bad state of mind or emotion, please try your best to help them. We are all on this planet together, and we have to be diligent about helping our fellow humans, animals and planet.
Blessings,
Nonnie
