Reality Bites

I have written and rewritten this blog entry four different times. If I'm being totally honest, it's probably more like ten times. I just don't know how to make it all come together and flow from my brain to my fingertips like it should. I had never had any problems with getting my feelings out before, but now find myself struggling just to gather all of the random thoughts to make a coherent string of words. The broad vocabulary, knowledge and imagination that I once took great pride in possessing, has continued to diminish with the stress levels, frustrating and dumbfounding me at every turn. I no longer have the same ability to think and react quickly or sometimes appropriately, creating a more intense and stressful day to day life for me to muddle through.

I decided about a year ago, that I was going to start a YouTube channel and document my journey as a homesteader, as a means to keep some of my time occupied and hopefully get a bit of my sanity back, although it has done just the opposite at times. I was hoping to create and nurture new friendships and relationships through this journey; I have. But, things are not always what they seem with people as we get to know each other more. We find that we have less in common than we once thought or our true feelings start to surface, causing strain on those relationships. The last two weeks have proven just that.

I haven't put out any real content since December of 2019. I have had a slew of things happen, stealing what little momentum I felt I had...and my drive. I am now finding that I struggle on the daily with depression and anxiety, strained or broken relationships, poor financial situations, and a stagnant YouTube channel. Just exactly what was I thinking, creating a YouTube channel, trying to run a city, social media accounts too numerous to list, a blog, 3 businesses, and then creating yet another YouTube channel? I mean, seriously. One has to be out of their mind to think that having all of that to juggle daily is a good idea, right? Where does one find the time, then, to nurture those new friendships or relationships that they wanted to have so badly? I haven't.

I have not been fair to anyone, my businesses, my family, my channels, social media, blog...and most importantly, to myself. So, it is here, that I set a new standard for myself and actually put what is most important to me into perspective and act. It is time to pull up my big girl britches and own that sh*t like a boss. The very first thing I need to take care of; myself. It is time to put my mental, physical and emotional health on the priority list. I need to stop spending so much time trying to please everyone else and putting their needs ahead of mine. I have placed too much stock and effort into nurturing friendships and relationships that are of no use to me; they're toxic to my mental and emotional health and that has now affected my physical health.

I put forth the Vision 2020 goals list and video on December 29, 2019. What have I done to try to accomplish all of those goals? I can honestly say that I haven't done a whole lot or accomplished much, if anything. I've let others' thoughts, feelings and actions dictate every aspect of my life, including my personal life, which then wiped out all of the other stuff like my YouTube channels and businesses, as well as my job as Mayor. So, how in the world do I get that 'mojo' back? Here: hold my beer and watch.

I have decided that I will no longer let those so-called 'friendships' get in my way. I have to put my guard back up and my thinking cap on, to stop myself from investing all of my energy into people who really won't be there for me and think about the consequences that those people will have on my health, with their mind games. I'm too old to deal with that stuff. Life is way too short to miss out on, by wasting time on people who do not have any interest in nurturing a friendship in the same manner that I do. So, it is time to 'thin the herd', so to speak, and lose some of that toxic dead weight; and I started today. I cried a bit, I wrestled with it in my head and my heart, and then I just took that leap and 'ice queen-ed' that sh*t like a boss. And now...I am starting to feel better.

My waters will no longer be allowed to get so muddy that I can't drink from the well of myself. It is the first day of living my best life. Now, time to sleep for the night and wake up renewed in the morning, tackling one day at a time. I hope that this inspires some of you to take back your life and remove the toxic people causing your heart, soul and body to be sick on a daily basis.

Blessings,
Nonnie