Is it possible? Am I turning a corner?

Hello, my lovelies. It has been 10 days since my last entry. So much for posting a blog every day for the month of September, right? Things have just not been good for me on a mental or emotional level. This morning, however, I have started to turn a corner, I think. Maybe only slightly, but it's a start for what I hope is going to prove beneficial for me.

Today is Sunday, September 27, 2020. It's not particularly different from any other fall Sunday; it's a bit dreary and overcast, a few sprinkles fall from the sky here and there, but, on a mental and emotional level, something feels a bit different. Could it be that clarity and some form of enlightenment is creeping in? We are in the pre-retrograde shadow of Mercury turning retrograde, and, if you aren't familiar with what Mercury turning retrograde is, I suggest that you do some research on it, on your own accord. Astrology is one of the many tools I use to guide my spiritual life.

So, what is it, then, about today, that is so different? I really can't put my finger on it. I slept in, I don't have more or less pain than usual (unless you count the building migraine due to the low pressure system coming in), but I do feel a bit more put-together, if you will; productive, a bit of clarity, maybe. I have been struggling greatly with things this year, on a mental, emotional and even physical level, so this is an odd feeling to me.

Perhaps I am entering into this pre-retrograde like I should. It is a good time for reflection, re-doing things and thinking ahead for a much better game plan, so to speak, about major decisions. It's not a good time for making those decisions come to fruition. So, for the period of about September 23rd through November 4th, I will be reviewing most of the things in my life, re-thinking how to actually change some things and re-doing a lot of those past things that didn't quite work out as planned. I will also be doing some silly things like buying an external hard drive to back up my desk top, laptop and phone, if you catch my drift.

I'm very much thinking of how to change up the formatting of my blog, social media and YouTube channels, as I feel that these things are very stagnant and I don't seem to have a lot of forward movement. This could also be why I haven't kept to the scheduling of all of these things (except for the YouTube daily vlogging commitment), and have kind of fallen off the wagon, so to speak. It just hasn't been working out the way that I had anticipated or wanted it to. So, back to the reviewing and re-thinking, so that I can re-do this aspect and hopefully make it much more successful.

My mental health has been all over the place, lately. I'm up, I'm down. I'm high and low. Manic and depressed. I am very much fluctuating in my emotions and ways of thinking over the last month. I've had those moments of despair and hopelessness; days, even. It truly is maddening. I feel as though I'm truly deserving of an insane asylum at times. But, today is different. I don't feel as though I need to be in that asylum, but maybe I have some clarity and possibly a bit of enlightenment. Things can change; they are changing. I'm hoping, for the better.

On October 1st, I will be watching all of my Depression Chronicles series on my YouTube channel, my social media and reading over this blog to review my thoughts, re-think those patterns and re-do some of the actions that I have taken during this month of mental health evaluation. I'll write a blog and make a video for my channel with these findings and hopefully, it will not only help my own mental health, but my greatest hope is to help someone else.

Remember that you are not alone.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings

I wasn't exactly in a good place, so this is what I did

Hello, my lovelies. We are on the back end of the week and I'm sure that most are excited. For some of us, it's just another Thursday and nothing really changes much from day to day. That's a bit what my days are like, and they tend to almost run together most of the time. One day just melts into another and so on.

Today I have struggled to get through the day, and hoping that maybe if I were to film a DIY project for my YouTube channel, that it would make me feel a bit better. But, I'm still just kind of just moving. So, what is this project that I've started? Well, it's a greenhouse/hoop house. I am reusing quite a bit of material that I already have, and that makes me feel pretty good. As soon as I've finished it, I will add photos and share the video link. I'm pretty proud of my idea and work so far.

What I've done, is use 24 electric fence t-posts, ran 12 posts on either side for 22 feet, spaced 2 feet apart. The total width is 5 feet, for a 22x5 foot structure. I then took 12 lengths of 1/2 inch PVC pipe and placed them on opposing t-posts and created a half hoop. I measured up 24 inches from the ground on each post and made sure that each end sat down to that mark on each post. It's already looking great.

I had all 24 posts from garden purchases these last 2 years, but only had 4 of the PVC lengths. I purchased 10 more for the cost of about $28, then purchased 2 bags of 1/2 inch metal pipe straps, a box of steel screws and 2 PVC 'T' connectors for another $11. My next purchase will be some 2x4's, a couple of sheets of plywood and of course, the 6 mil 100x20 foot greenhouse plastic. That stuff will not be until around the first of October, as I don't need to add any of it until just before the first frost. 

So, I'm actually pretty excited about this build and I am hoping that my experiment works out through the winter. My goal is to be able to grow food year-round from a fairly economical and simple greenhouse/hoop house build.

Remember that you are not alone in your struggles.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings

Levels Too High To Manage Today

Hello, my lovelies! I hope that you have had an amazing day! I have not. It's been a struggle today for many reasons. The stress has been pretty hefty today, but I've been pushing and moving through it all.

I could not sleep to save my soul last night. I finally fell asleep after 2 AM, woke up about every hour after that and, just as I started to go into a deeper sleep, I get roused and told my help was needed. It was not the type of thing I wanted to jump out of bed and do right away, but it had to get done. And, then I was up for the day. I had many other things to get done, so I might just as well stay up after that, right?

Cleaning up after 4 huskies really tends to put you in a very bad mood right away, and for me, it's hard to shake a bad mood. So, my day started off very tired and angry, and then things start running through my mind, I was overthinking, overly emotional about it, and that's exactly how the day continued. I tried everything to move my head out of the negative thoughts and get my emotional state under control. I just couldn't do it. My mind had sunken into an abyss of negativity and I was too tired to fight my way back out. 

I'm very overwhelmed today. There are so many things that are very important to get accomplished and I have no idea where to start. I have homeschooling to do. I have laundry and dishes piled up. I have a house that is in desperate need of deep cleaning, a yard still to clean up after storm damage, a shed to get cleaned out and converted for storage and an over-winter chicken coop, a garden to plant and hoop houses to build, and seeds to save, food to preserve and save; the list is just absolutely endless. And, do you know what I got accomplished? Moving my chickens and a little bit of homeschooling; at least until around 7 PM.

I got my vlog filmed and it's still uploading, almost 4 hours later. Our internet is absolutely craptastic. Yes, I said it. Craptastic. It's a word; my word. We have had horrbily slow internet speeds for about 2 weeks now, and it's having a negative effect on everything that I do with my social media accounts, YouTube channel and TikTok. It's hard to get and keep any kind of an uploading schedule, when your internet isn't reliable.

I also started working out the details of making a hoop house/greenhouse to try over the winter for growing. I'm getting the rest of the materials tomorrow to get the hoops done and possibly some of the lumber needed. I'm doing this as inexpensively as I can, and I'm reusing a lot of materials that I already have, to create a 22'x5' structure, and if it seems as though it's going to actually hold up, I'm going to buy materials to build at least 3 more, to get through the winter with. I'm actually pretty excited about this project, truth be told.

I am still trying to fight through my feelings, as I write this blog, so I think that I am going to try to take some anxiety medication, have a bit of a snack and then call it a night. It's not often that I feel bad enough that I need to take my anxiety medication, so I know that my levels are terribly high right now. Remember that you are not alone in your struggles; there are so many more of us out there feeling the same way.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings

I Have Some Good News and a Short PSA

Hello, my lovelies. I hope you have had a wonderful day. I had a pretty good one. If you have been following my YouTube channel, you already know about this. But, I can honestly say that I'm a bit discouraged with that portion of my life/business/brand, right now.

I had a hysterectomy 6 weeks ago, and today was the follow up. The outcome was pretty darn good and I was happy with the information; mostly. My doc said that the surgery went a lot smoother than anticipated and that they were able to confirm their findings from the ultrasound, but that there were more findings. I had endometriosis and more fibroids than previously seen. My pathology reports were benign for cancers, thankfully.

I cannot stress the importance of routine reproductive health exams. Whether or not you are able to have children any longer, your reproductive system and organs are absolutely as important to take care of as your general health. Ladies, your gynecological exams and mammograms are absolutely necessary at the appropriately scheduled increments. I hadn't been to the gynecologist for almost 20 years, and I may have been able to catch all of this much earlier and taken care of it before it got to the surgical point. Gentlemen, you are not excluded from this. Your prostate health is extremely important and it is vital to your health to make sure that it is taken care of, just the same as it is for a woman to take care of her health.

I know that this is a short entry for tonight, and it's because I have hit a wall on a mental and emotional level. I hope that you are taking care of yourselves and each other, and remember that you are not alone.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings

Feelings Of Inadequacy? I Understand.

 Hello, my lovelies. I hope that this evening finds you well and that you were able to find some joy and happiness throughout your day. It was just kind of a 'meh' day for me. I've also since had feelings of inadequacy and short comings, and I pushed through that, but I'm still a bit numb from things.

On this day, 16 years ago, my biological father passed away. This was the last time I ever saw him, and the last time that I ever spoke to him, was 13 years prior to that, in 1992. The story goes like this.

My biological father and my mother split up when I was 5 and the divorce was final when I was 8. I don't have very many great memories of him or the time spent with him, but I do have some of my stepmom at the time and my siblings that came out of that union. I am now closer than ever to them, but only since our father's passing. I spent more time with my stepmom and siblings throughout the following 6 years of the divorce, than I did with him. So, that's sad.

I'm pretty well over the loss of my father, but still not over the loss of all of the things that I didn't get to say to him before his death. I mean, I found out the day that he passed, that I had a 3 year old brother, so, there's that. But, all those years of no contact, wondering why I wasn't loved or cared for by him; that's the worst part. I have learned to deal with all of that pretty well, now, but the anniversary of his death is not something I will ever forget.

I feel pretty inadequate, though. I mean, who wouldn't, right? I am an adult, now (I think), and I know that there are consequences for my actions (or lack thereof). Tonight I had the 'pleasure' of experiencing a near failure. That is not something that I like at all. I know that there are lessons to be learned in failure, but I don't have to like the process, just like everyone else. No one likes to fail.

I started my live chat, as I normally do, every Monday at 7 pm. I actually started to panic. I started promptly and no one was there. I typically have someone there waiting and they have left the comment saying so. I didn't have that tonight. I started, then, one person came in, then two. My numbers started to bounce up and down between 0 and 4, and for the first several minutes, I only had the two people there. I was very close to shutting it down. 

I had very few people in tonight, and that was super upsetting, but I pushed through it and had a nice conversation for well over an hour, after that. Technical difficulties with the chat not showing, not having an accurate count; it drove me crazy. I almost failed and gave up, truly. But, I pushed through and everything turned out okay, even with the small numbers I had. 

I have been working pretty hard at this social media game. I have put up videos on TikTok, posting on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter; and, making a vlog for my YouTube channel every day, and almost every day a blog entry. I feel like I'm failing at this social media game and building my business and brand. I am brainstorming some ideas on ways to 'revamp' everything, and I'm hoping that these ideas will work. Proper marketing and branding is the key to success. At least that's what they say. 

I hope that my feelings and short comings are helpful for someone. It's my intent to help as many as possible understand that I'm a normal human being, just like they are, and I have struggles and disorders, successes and failures, just like them. If we all can just see that and understand that we're not alone in all of these struggles, I think the world is going to be a much better place.

You are not alone.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings.

Just A Lazy Sunday For Reflection

 Hello, my lovelies. I hope that this blog finds you well, today. Now, I understand, that I haven't put up a blog for 2 days, but I have actually been busy, believe it or not. I have spent time running errands, homeschooling, updating most of my other social media and spending time with my family. Sometimes, life happens and you just can't get everything done on time, right?

I am kind of dreading tomorrow, as it's a somber day for me, but I am going to try to stay positive throughout the day and keep riding the good vibe train. Our weekend has been pretty darn good and I don't really want it to end, but I'm also a realist and understand that I have to move on and just carry the good with me.

Let's talk about the weekend, though. It was really pretty good. Friday was busy with homeschooling and then being kind of lazy, but then yesterday; oh, yesterday. It was very busy until the evening. I got to spend the day with my daughters and my grandson, and while it was just shopping for groceries and household things, it was still nice. We had lunch and coffee, shopping and laughs. I wouldn't trade any moment of it for anything in the universe.

I made 2 pans of lasagna and we sat down to what we call "cheesy movie night", where we watch a bad movie and sit and make fun of things in it. We have food and snacks and lots of laughs. I don't particularly like the movie part, but man, do I love the time with my family. The laughs and the memories are worth more than any amount of money or material possessions in this universe.

This entry was not very long, but my message is this; build yourself a support team, the best that you can. Surround yourself with laughter and love. The little, insignificant things turn out to be the most important and biggest things in life. 

You are not alone.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings.

What A Difference A Support System Makes

Hello, my lovelies. I hope that you have had a wonderful day. I am happy to report that I had a much better day. The weather is starting to  move out and the pressure is changing again, so my migraine is lightened enough that I can function and keep myself busy, and maybe get caught up on a few things. 

Yesterday was such a rotten day. My depression was at a 12, at the very least. I was hating myself, not being kind to myself and reading too far into things on an extreme emotional level. It did, however, help me to address some things that I really needed to talk about, and I feel that was the positive point to come out of the entire day. What a difference a day makes, right?

I really have some amazing people in my life. People that walked in as total strangers, but are some of the most cherished friends I could have ever asked for. They check in with me almost every single day. Most of these people I have never met in person. It's an amazing feeling! 

But, I have to give so much credit to my husband. He has been taking care of me and my emotional health for almost 30 years! My insecurities and feelings of inadequacy yesterday were addressed and validated with a long, wonderful talk and cuddling session with my amazing husband. 

He walked into our room as I was working on my laptop and talking to some amazing friends, and just plopped down on the bed. "Hi. Whatcha doin'?" The look on his face as he said that just made me giggle. My husband has a way of doing silly things that make me smile. We talked and he held me as I teared up, making me feel safe and secure. I woke up this morning with a much better outlook on things.

It is amazing, the things that you can accomplish with a great support system in place. I would recommend that there is some sort of support system in place for everyone, whether it be a family member, friend or mental health care provider, and explore your options for natural and prescription medications to help you through. Most medications don't work with my body; at least for long, so I try a lot more natural remedies to help alleviate my symptoms and I rely very heavily on my support team to get me through my darkest days. 

Remember that you are not alone in your struggle and fight.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings

Are Dreams Really Premonition?

I woke this morning, with the same migraine that I had all day yesterday and went to bed with last night. Let me just say that I am not impressed. On top of it, I had a dream that I often have and it's worsening as I go through this time in my life. Is it due to my self-perception? Is it due to my overactive brain? Or is it due to my depression-driven psyche, and, as it is a recurring dream, is it now premonition?

I'm feeling my age, lately. My immortality, if you will. I am not old, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm in my mid 40's, so maybe it's the existential "mid-life crisis"? I truly don't know. I have some thoughts. Grab a drink and a snack, get comfy and prepare for a longer read than usual.

I have suffered for many years with depression and anxiety and never really thought much of it. I really started to notice it as I hit puberty. I have had a lot of really bad things happen throughout my very formative years that contributed to that, which I will not get into right now. Suffice it to say, that I was not ever the "popular girl" or the "favorite" of anyone's. I was merely there. More of a background piece for most everyone.

I had a hard time in school, because I was the "poor kid", didn't have a "popular last name", you know, that stupid stuff. I was made fun of for many reasons and as I got older, I started to just become more determined to be more outgoing and screw people if they didn't like me, I'm going to be me. I think that served me fairly well growing up and going through puberty, but I still had my really bad days that I would just go home and break down and cry.

In high school, I was short, skinny, long blonde hair and blue eyes, and of course, boys liked that, but the girls hated that. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a looker, even though I thought I was fat and ugly. Oh, how self-destructive I was to my own psyche. Looking back, I see that I had started to believe the nasty, mean things people would say about me, just to piss me off and hurt my feelings. That's where my depression really started to show itself.

I've progressively become more self-deprecating over the years, and now that I'm a woman of a certain age, have had children, "female issues" and surgeries, I'm becoming more and more depressed and self-conscious; and very critical of myself. And, this is where the dreams really start to play out.

I have been having this recurring dream about my vanity, and thus, my relationship on many levels with my husband. It's very unsettling. As the years have passed, this dream has become more and more vivid and more frequent. The most upsetting thing about it, is that I see things happening in myself and my marriage in real time. It's very upsetting to me. So, are the dreams we have really premonitions of things to come?

I have spent the last almost 30 years of my life with my husband (we started dating when I was 14), and I haven't always been so receptive or respectful of his wants and needs, so I guess it's only fair, right, that I am now feeling this way. But, it's more than just the feelings of desire, but rather how attractive I am. I've aged. I am getting wrinkles and bad skin and I'm obese and do not feel even remotely physically attractive any longer. I know that this is pretty normal for most women of a certain age, so I'm not alone, but I certainly don't like it. 

I don't like a lot of things about myself any longer. I don't know how anyone else could like me, when I can't even like or love "me". My life has changed so drastically on many levels, and now that my beauty is very faded and continues to do so (as vain as that sounds), this is very upsetting to me. I know that physical beauty is not the most important thing in life, but it's still important; at least to me.

Depression sucks. This is why I don't ever heal within. I tear myself down over trivial things. This is not really anything different or unusual for fellow sufferers. I know that I'm not the only one who does this. I've been to the point of self-destructive behaviors and I've been accepting of myself, but when I get into these deep depressive states, I cannot help myself, but to be pessimistic, negative and self-deprecating. Why is that? I truly do think I need to dig deep and search my soul. I need to start healing my mind and my soul.

I hope you have had a wonderful day and know that you are not alone in your fight.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings

It was a busy day.

Hello, my lovelies. I hope that you had an amazing Labor Day, yesterday. I actually didn't get a chance to post yesterday, and barely got my vlog out in between all of the work and live chats. I'm not complaining, as I was actually busy and not just laying around doing nothing. 

I woke up with a mild migraine yesterday morning, that I just fought through all day. It was the fact that the weather fronts were moving in and the low pressure always puts me down with a migraine. Today, was even worse. I have medicated myself and I still had to fight through severe pain. In fact, it's not really that easy to sit here, typing this up, but I already missed yesterday's blog entry, I didn't want to miss 2 days in a row.

Yesterday we built out a new hanging nesting box in the coop that the chickens are currently in, and didn't get it completed, before I had to get ready for my live chat on my YouTube channel and then I appeared as the guest for another YouTube channel live chat. My evening and night was consumed by about 4 hours of YouTube live chats. And, I'm not complaining.

So, yesterday was an okay day until the evening, then it got better. I had a great time talking to friends and answering questions, making new friends. It is something that does lift my spirits, most of the time. It's the positive human contact and interaction that makes a day better.

Today is cold and rainy. We had a high of 50 degrees and it has rained most of the day. I have had to push through so much pain, to finish building out the chicken coop and try to get the online school stuff figured out for my grandson. Disorganization, is about the only way that I can describe everything. It has been very frustrating.

I really cannot make a very fluid sentence or a thought process make sense right now. It is hard to concentrate with the migraine pain. I will close today's blog and hope that tomorrow will be a better day, with less rain, more warmth, much less pain and a good mental status.

You are not alone in your struggles. 

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings 

It just wasn't what I had expected

 Welcome, my lovelies. It's day 6 of the Depression Chronicles. I don't really know what to type in this blog, as my mind is in a total fog. I'm having trouble today, mostly with connecting a full thought. I'm in pain today and my mind is in a state of confusion. And, that can be pretty typical of me.

I slept last night. No, really. I actually had more sleep last night. But, I woke up with the starting of a migraine and body pain and aches. Well, isn't that typical? There always seems to have to be a trade off for having a good day or good sleep for me. It's frustrating. It would be great to be able to have it all, just for one day.

The weather plays a huge part in my mood, because it plays a huge part in my pain levels with my brain injury and Fibromyalgia. Today I woke up to immense atmospheric pressure, heat and humidity and, thus, pain. You can about imagine what that does to your attitude and mood. This caused me enough distress, that I didn't get into the garden until late afternoon and only got a 40 ft row of collard seeds planted. But, what really sent me into a spiral today, was when I went to the grocery store.

Oh, the grocery store. I went to pick up just a few things, to kind of get us through the next few days. As I walked through, browsing and collecting my items to purchase, I became painfully aware of the prices, the sparsely stocked shelves and the lack of some other products. My mind started racing. I looked at my husband and said, "We're all going to be starving before too long. No one will be able to afford to eat, let alone find food and other necessary products." I collected my things hurriedly and went to the checkout. 

My husband put the few groceries that I had chosen onto the conveyor belt and the register started to beep as the cashier scanned the labels to ring them up. All said and done; it was $79.18. I just shook my head. How disappointing. I had bought items for 1 complete meal, meat for two more meals, bread, milk, cereal, vegetables and a couple of snack items. It was 30 items, literally. I just wanted to cry. 

So, the day has moved on, naturally, but I am still anxious, depressed and worried. But, I am not alone in my battle, and neither are you.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings.

Today Was A Good Day

 Hello, my lovelies. We have arrived at day 5 of The Depression Chronicles. It is Saturday, September 5, 2020, and it is a beautiful 87 degrees (farenheit), here in Iowa. There is a slight breeze, so I am sitting outside writing this blog, listening to the wind chimes sing on my porch as I type this. This entry is coming a bit earlier, today. I think I might be getting the hang of this, now. 

Today has been a good day. I went to sleep as I meditated, at an earlier time than normal, slept a lot longer than normal, and I woke up naturally, not needing to go anywhere early in the morning. This started my day off pretty well, I'd say. 

I decided that I was going to make my husband and I some 'special' coffee this morning. I filled up my kettle and started grinding coffee beans in my Grammie's antique hand crank coffee grinder. I love the smell of freshly ground and brewed coffee. It's one of the most precious smells to me because of the time and memories shared with my Grammie, my husband, and meetups with special friends. As I was standing at the stove, waiting for the kettle to start singing, my husband walks into the kitchen and says, "how about we go out for brunch?" What? Really? Uh, yes, of course! You don't have to ask me twice! That changed my plans for the garden this morning, but I don't get many opportunities to go out on a date with my husband, so those plans got put on hold for the day, without hesitation.

So, the kettle sang and I shut off the stove, pouring that steamy water into my french press and over the freshly ground coffee beans. The beans steeped while I went hunting for clothes to wear. I've really always had a hard time trying to dress in my 'nicer' clothing, because they usually don't fit right after about the second or third time wearing them; I've usually gained too much weight. I struggle with that battle, as well. I'm sure that most can relate. Since my depression has so much control over me most of the time, I struggle with inactivity and weight gain. 

I decided, why not? Let's try on one of my favorite summer dresses and see if it fits any better since before my surgery. I was nervous. And, I was not optimistic. As I buttoned up each button, I was becoming more optimistic. My elation was starting to rise. I got to the last two buttons, took a deep breath, and slipped them through the button holes. Voila! They buttoned! The gap that had prevented me from wearing this dress; gone. Oh, what a victory! This gave me even more motivation. That made me feel like I needed to get dolled up and make this day even better.

I put up my hair, put on my makeup and stepped out of the room, to my husband smiling. It's been a while since I got dressed up nicely. He told me how nice I looked and smiled again. I felt pretty good. I put on some sass and got into the truck.

We went to brunch, to Target, got my basic girl Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and then I went trudging around a lumber yard for 2x4's to start building up the current coop into a much more useful chicken tractor. I got spoiled. Now, I'm the type of gal that thinks tromping around Menard's is a pretty good date, so it obviously doesn't take much to impress me, does it? 

Today's events helped me stay in a good mood. The best part, I was with my husband, talking, laughing and holding hands. It was the human connection that kept me going the most, throughout the day. Sometimes, when your significant other just says, hey, let's go, it makes your day a lot less depressing.

Well, the icing on the cake today? I bought a scale. Now, I haven't had one for several years, because, as I stated earlier, I've struggled a lot with my weight. It's always been 'one more thing' that depresses me. I had a hysterectomy on August 4, 2020. On that day, I weighed in at 173 pounds before surgery. Now, I had been weighed on May 1, 2020, and was 180 pounds, then July 8, 2020, I was at 177. (Please keep in mind that I am only 5'1" tall, so this is a lot of weight for my bone structure to carry.)I haven't been weighed since my surgery, and, because I was able to fit back into one of my favorite dresses, I was very curious to see where I was at. 

I zeroed out the scale. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself a bit. My feet touched the cold metal of the scale, I closed my eyes and then slowly peeked down at the dial. Are you kidding me? This can't be right! There is no way that this is right. I got off the scale and zeroed it out again. I stepped on it again; no! I did this routine 4 times and had the same reading all 4 times. I was flabbergasted! I was 160 pounds! Oh. My. Gods. That means that I've quite possibly lost 13 pounds in a month! I cannot believe this! 

Now, understand, that my uterus was just removed about a month ago, and the doctor said he has never seen such a large uterus, but, I don't think it weighed 13 pounds on its own. I'm going to take this as a small victory in the war against my weight and depression. This has really made my day even better. 

It's amazing how something so little can make your mood so much better. How little victories and human connection can make such a huge difference in your mood and attitude. Today was a good day.

I wish you many blessings and want you to know that you are not alone. Hope you're having a wonderful Labor Day weekend.

Self Care Helped Me Today

 Hello, my lovelies. Today is day 4 of The Depression Chronicles. I've made it this far in doing both a vlog and a blog entry every day. I honestly didn't know if I could make it doing both for this long, so I count this as a very small but important victory. It's not easy to keep this pace up in a normal day to day setting, let alone compounding it within the throws of an emotional or mental downward spiral. But, I'm making it work; for now.

So, a bit about the day. As you most likely know by now, it's just hard to get out of bed most days. It was, however, a bit better this morning. I'm exhausted, of course, but I decided to roll out of bed, move through the house and just start my day. But, I thought, oh, yes. I need to take a deep breath and remember to try to change my outlook and attitude on the day. So, it began.

I started my chores. I was trying to find the joy in the simplicity of a routine. Animal chores got done, I got to pet every one of my dogs, cats (even the strays), guinea pigs and sugar gliders, and that elevated my mood a bit. Then came the coffee. Oh, it has to be one of the elixirs of the Gods. It makes me perky, it's warm and cozy, and tastes divine. It's one of those things that really helps set my day in motion for the better.

Little things that I do, like having and really enjoying my coffee in the morning, help me with some self care. We all need time to decompress and just take a deep breath; most especially in the height of the a breakdown. So, what sorts of things did I do, to give myself that critical self care that I so desperately needed? Here are some of the things that I have done and some I actually did today.

Gardening or being out in nature. Spending time in the garden, connecting to the earth, gathering energy; that is an amazing way to decompress. 

Family. Being with my grandson, while exhausting some days, I get far more benefit out of it than the detriment of being exhausted mentally and physically. He is such a light in my life. I cannot imagine this world without him, now. My kids, my husband and my friends that are more like family than not. Those are the people that make my life worth living. I would have and be nothing without their presence in my life to enrich it.

Long, hot baths. Taking a hot bath with some essential oils, Epsom salt, and a nice candle or diffuser going makes a much more relaxing and pleasant me to deal with. The deep breathing and concentrating on relaxing helps to clear my head.

Meditation. I find that when I really get into a rhythm with meditating at night when I go to bed, with the deep breathing and feeling my body relax and my chakras open, I sleep better and I wake up much more pleasantly. Using my diffuser through the night with lavender and peppermint helps with relaxation, as well. Depending on my mood, I will change the essential oils to help calm and clear my mind.

Sleep. I don't get enough of it and it's not very often that I wake in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to face the day, which is probably why I never feel good and why my depression and anxiety tend to roll over me mentally and emotionally. Good sleep is very important for good mental, emotional and physical health.

There are a plethora of things that you can do, to help keep your mind from working overtime and compounding the emotions that you are feeling. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes out of your day, to sit in a quiet place, with no real distractions, breathe deeply and intentionally, to release the stress that builds throughout the day. Think of it as a kind of recess, like we had in school. We got to go out for 15 minutes a couple of times a day, so that we could blow off some steam and come back refreshed and ready to learn. We still need this as adults. 

We often forget that even though we're adults and have responsibilities, we need a recess, too. 

I hope that today was a better day and that you have an even better tomorrow. Remember that you are not alone.

If you'd like to keep up with everything I'm doing, please make sure you check out my YouTube channel Royal Amethyst Acres,Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook pages.

Blessings.

Today Was A Bit Different

 Today was a bit different. The day started early, as it usually does, and no, I didn't want to get out of bed. But, I had to. I had things to get done and needed to go to the store because, well, when you're out of toilet paper, you go buy toilet paper. This girl won't be without that wonderful woven goodness. First world problems, I know.

On the way to pick up my daughter this morning, I had an epiphany. Epipha-what? What was I deciding about my day, already? How was I going to make my day better, if I started out with the negative thoughts and mood? I didn't want to have a bad day again, so I decided to try to pump myself up and change my attitude, to make my mood better. I said to myself, "Self, you got this today. You have no reason to put this on someone else. What do you have to be thankful for today?" And I began to count my blessings and I started working on changing my mood.

I have worked very hard the last several days and I've done many things physically that I'm restricted from doing, all because I didn't have a choice; it's what I needed to do at the time, to make me feel better. So, the plans I had for today were put on hold so that I could relax my body just a bit. This may seem like a failure to some, but I'm choosing to see it as a small break and I'll get those things done tomorrow. With the physical break, I decided to take a mental break, so I enjoyed the beautiful weather and my family throughout the day.

Making the decision to change my mindset and be deliberate in my actions and reactions today, along with the physical and mental break, made a big difference in the way my day played out. It's odd to think that by deliberately changing your thought process to be more positive, that it can change your day, ever so slightly. I chose to surround myself with nature and family today and in combination with trying to keep a positive attitude, I had a pretty relaxed and good day. Not being in the shadows all day was a nice change of pace.

You are not alone. Blessings. 

How Did I Cope Today?

Well, I've managed to make it to day two for writing this blog for 30 days about my mental health. Amazing, right? So, how did I cope with everything today? It wasn't easy. Let's start with the fact that I didn't sleep much or well last night and I had to convince myself to get out of bed to take my daughter to work.

I didn't go to sleep until well after midnight, didn't stay asleep for more than about 30 minutes at a time due to pain, my head not shutting off and frankly put, I just don't sleep. I haven't slept well in many years. It's one of the most frustrating aspects of all of my conditions, including my depression and anxiety. So, how and when did all of this start? Let me tell you my ideas.

I didn't have an exactly glorious childhood and I didn't enjoy much about high school. By the time I was in high school at the age of 14, I had already started to show signs and symptoms of depression and anxiety. This continued to increase as I got older. By the time that I got married and started having my kids, well, enter post-partum depression and abracadabra, you have a recipe to exacerbate the already sometimes debilitating depression and anxiety. 

I have had many other traumatic and sometimes very dramatic experiences in life that continue to compound and add more and more pressure to the situation. They say pressure makes diamonds; I feel like I should be a very large, bright and sparkling one by now. Even the 'little things' add up; especially if they're one after the other and negative in nature. I've had a whole lot of negative things happen in life. But, one thing is for sure; I should be a lot worse than I am, so I have to credit myself a bit with how I've handled it all.

One of the things that bothers me the most is when I get asked why I don't seek medical help and get on medications or seek mental health professionals to receive therapy. Well, it's not so simple for me. Firstly, I have suffered with mental health for upwards of 30 years, with the last 15 being especially hard. I've been on many medications; they only work for a short time, then they don't work at all. Medications are also expensive, most especially when you need to take multiple medications for multiple medical conditions. Therapy is expensive.

My particular insurance will only cover a percentage of the cost of my medications or therapy, then I go into what is called a gap, and I have to cover the total cost of the medications. Some of my medications are almost $400 for a 30 day supply. Living on disability, I would be spending all of my disability pay every month on medications, and I still wouldn't have enough to buy all of them. It's similar to going to therapy. My particular insurance will pay for a certain amount, and my copay starts at $45, depending on specialist or specialty. Add that up over a minimum number of sessions (usually once weekly), and that's almost half of what I am paid for disability per month. I cannot afford that.

So, my therapies are connecting to the Earth and nature through my homesteading and gardening efforts, my family and close friends to vent to, and sometimes, that's not even enough to not experience a sense of being alone. Not because of lack of receiving support, love or empathy, but because I feel like a chronic complainer or whiner; a burden. This is common with most people who suffer from a mental health issue. I feel worthless and hopeless because I can't help myself sometimes, so how do I help others? It's a struggle on the daily.

Today I had the ability to till up some of the garden, and I did it by myself. I didn't ask for someone else to do it, even though I'm still on surgical restrictions. It was something I needed to do, to improve my mood, not feel helpless or hopeless; to gain energy from the Earth. I also had my grandson today, and even though I was getting frustrated with him asking me to do something for him, it helped me. His energy and love gave me a boost. He was the best therapist today. 

Keeping myself busy in the garden and with my grandson is what helped me today. Tomorrow, who knows what will help me the most. Tomorrow may not require me to need anything extra. It could be a great day. The other side of that coin, it could be a day that I can't get out of bed, for many reasons, depression related or one of my other health issues; it's always a game of roulette for me. I will do everything in my power to make it a great day. 

I hope that today's entry finds you well and gives you some hope or insight. Remember that you are not alone; even if you feel like it. 

Blessings

30 Days Hath September, But Depression Lasts Much Longer.

 I'm sure that most everyone knows the old rhyme that starts '30 days hath September; April, June and November.' It was a clever way for us to try to remember how many days were in each month. I have seen in various nursing journals, studies on how having the ability to make rhymes or songs out of facts that you need to remember, commits them to memory better. But,sometimes, when trying to remember something more recent, such as an appointment, is forgotten quickly because we are distracted, consumed by something or, as in my case, suffering from depression. This is just one of the many issues that arise from this disorder.

Depression lasts much longer than those 30 days September hath, and sometimes, never goes away. I know this first hand, because I suffer with it, and have for many, many years. I've seen many doctors as the first step to "cure my problem", and that is advisable and admirable, but the follow through and the care throughout the journey is more important. The first thing the doctor will do, is give you a magical little pill and send you out the door. They might tell you that you should exercise more, change your diet up a bit, and, if feeling the need, maybe seek out the help of a mental health professional. Well, sure, all of those things may be helpful; if they're available.

There is still a negative social stigma to any kind of mental health issue, and it's unnecessary. There is so much information out there. Numerous studies have been done. Google will lead you to numerous medical journal articles on the subject matter. You can find medical sites by the thousands to sift through the millions of words written by medical professionals, on what depression is and how to combat it, so why, then, is there such a negative and dark light cast on a very common condition?

I've decided no more. I cannot sit back and watch so many people suffer in silence and hide in the shadows. I am not the only person that suffers with this. I can't possibly be. So, maybe if I can put my vulnerability out there for the world to see, someone else will benefit. And, if I can help just one person, in some way, then it's all worth it. 

Today I shall start my 30 day journey documenting my daily mental health and I hope that you will follow along, as I show you the reality of suffering with depression and what each day is like. I will be writing this blog daily for the entire month of September 2020 and I will be documenting it through a daily vlog on my YouTube channel, Royal Amethyst Acres. Link below:

Royal Amethyst Acres mental health playlist 

Today was an especially hard day. It's been increasingly harder on the daily for the last 20+ years. Sure, I've had some amazing blessings and good days in there, don't get me wrong, but the depression never goes away for very long. It got worse after each child, often times overshadowing the elation of the birth of my children, and they are 3 of the biggest and best blessings in my life. And, then, of course, life happenings have compounded both positive and negative feelings and emotions throughout the years. 

What has sent me into a downward spiral of hell this time, is the isolation due to the pandemic, some memories that have been trudged up and regurgitated, and emotional wounds that have never really healed, even with time and a better understanding of the past. It's the hell I live with every single day. And, of course, I have learned how to just put on a happy face to present to everyone to somehow be 'presentable' to the general public. Why? Because no one wants to see a miserable person on the outside; it's not acceptable. 

I get it. No one wants to admit to their shortcomings, faults, or even misery, and they sure as hell don't want to see or hear about anyone else's negative feelings. My response to someone when they're just casually asking me how I am that day in order to fill an awkward silence, "I'm alive and kicking. I woke up today, so I guess it's a good day." But, sometimes I would like to just scream and yell and cry. So,I have learned to give that response out of habit. Truthfully, any day that I get to spend on this amazing planet and with the blessings that are my family and friends, is a good day, but my brain won't let me feel it most of the time. 

It's a daily struggle. I wake up and lay in bed and try to think of a million reasons why I should get out of bed. I have to 'psych myself up' most days, just to get up and face my day. It's even harder to put on a smile or 'okay' face. It feels like a masquerade every single day, when deep down inside, I'm crying and screaming and I just can't let out even a peep externally. I tell myself to just shut up and move through the day. No one wants to continually hear me complain or whine, right? So, the face that most people see, is not what I'm truly feeling inside. It can't be. No one wants to see the truth.

I will continue each day with a raw entry. No sugar coating or painting a pretty picture. What you read each day on this blog and see each day on my YouTube channel for the entirety of September, will be unfiltered and maybe not even suitable for humans of a certain age. But, if you're struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issue, you will see that you are not alone. I'm with you and we are in a vast sea of others just like us. I hope that I can help you feel a bit more uplifted or at least not like you're fighting alone. I'm standing right next to you.

Wishing you many blessings and sending gentle hugs and peaceful, healing energy.