Are Dreams Really Premonition?

I woke this morning, with the same migraine that I had all day yesterday and went to bed with last night. Let me just say that I am not impressed. On top of it, I had a dream that I often have and it's worsening as I go through this time in my life. Is it due to my self-perception? Is it due to my overactive brain? Or is it due to my depression-driven psyche, and, as it is a recurring dream, is it now premonition?

I'm feeling my age, lately. My immortality, if you will. I am not old, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm in my mid 40's, so maybe it's the existential "mid-life crisis"? I truly don't know. I have some thoughts. Grab a drink and a snack, get comfy and prepare for a longer read than usual.

I have suffered for many years with depression and anxiety and never really thought much of it. I really started to notice it as I hit puberty. I have had a lot of really bad things happen throughout my very formative years that contributed to that, which I will not get into right now. Suffice it to say, that I was not ever the "popular girl" or the "favorite" of anyone's. I was merely there. More of a background piece for most everyone.

I had a hard time in school, because I was the "poor kid", didn't have a "popular last name", you know, that stupid stuff. I was made fun of for many reasons and as I got older, I started to just become more determined to be more outgoing and screw people if they didn't like me, I'm going to be me. I think that served me fairly well growing up and going through puberty, but I still had my really bad days that I would just go home and break down and cry.

In high school, I was short, skinny, long blonde hair and blue eyes, and of course, boys liked that, but the girls hated that. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a looker, even though I thought I was fat and ugly. Oh, how self-destructive I was to my own psyche. Looking back, I see that I had started to believe the nasty, mean things people would say about me, just to piss me off and hurt my feelings. That's where my depression really started to show itself.

I've progressively become more self-deprecating over the years, and now that I'm a woman of a certain age, have had children, "female issues" and surgeries, I'm becoming more and more depressed and self-conscious; and very critical of myself. And, this is where the dreams really start to play out.

I have been having this recurring dream about my vanity, and thus, my relationship on many levels with my husband. It's very unsettling. As the years have passed, this dream has become more and more vivid and more frequent. The most upsetting thing about it, is that I see things happening in myself and my marriage in real time. It's very upsetting to me. So, are the dreams we have really premonitions of things to come?

I have spent the last almost 30 years of my life with my husband (we started dating when I was 14), and I haven't always been so receptive or respectful of his wants and needs, so I guess it's only fair, right, that I am now feeling this way. But, it's more than just the feelings of desire, but rather how attractive I am. I've aged. I am getting wrinkles and bad skin and I'm obese and do not feel even remotely physically attractive any longer. I know that this is pretty normal for most women of a certain age, so I'm not alone, but I certainly don't like it. 

I don't like a lot of things about myself any longer. I don't know how anyone else could like me, when I can't even like or love "me". My life has changed so drastically on many levels, and now that my beauty is very faded and continues to do so (as vain as that sounds), this is very upsetting to me. I know that physical beauty is not the most important thing in life, but it's still important; at least to me.

Depression sucks. This is why I don't ever heal within. I tear myself down over trivial things. This is not really anything different or unusual for fellow sufferers. I know that I'm not the only one who does this. I've been to the point of self-destructive behaviors and I've been accepting of myself, but when I get into these deep depressive states, I cannot help myself, but to be pessimistic, negative and self-deprecating. Why is that? I truly do think I need to dig deep and search my soul. I need to start healing my mind and my soul.

I hope you have had a wonderful day and know that you are not alone in your fight.

Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.

Blessings