How Did I Cope Today?

Well, I've managed to make it to day two for writing this blog for 30 days about my mental health. Amazing, right? So, how did I cope with everything today? It wasn't easy. Let's start with the fact that I didn't sleep much or well last night and I had to convince myself to get out of bed to take my daughter to work.

I didn't go to sleep until well after midnight, didn't stay asleep for more than about 30 minutes at a time due to pain, my head not shutting off and frankly put, I just don't sleep. I haven't slept well in many years. It's one of the most frustrating aspects of all of my conditions, including my depression and anxiety. So, how and when did all of this start? Let me tell you my ideas.

I didn't have an exactly glorious childhood and I didn't enjoy much about high school. By the time I was in high school at the age of 14, I had already started to show signs and symptoms of depression and anxiety. This continued to increase as I got older. By the time that I got married and started having my kids, well, enter post-partum depression and abracadabra, you have a recipe to exacerbate the already sometimes debilitating depression and anxiety. 

I have had many other traumatic and sometimes very dramatic experiences in life that continue to compound and add more and more pressure to the situation. They say pressure makes diamonds; I feel like I should be a very large, bright and sparkling one by now. Even the 'little things' add up; especially if they're one after the other and negative in nature. I've had a whole lot of negative things happen in life. But, one thing is for sure; I should be a lot worse than I am, so I have to credit myself a bit with how I've handled it all.

One of the things that bothers me the most is when I get asked why I don't seek medical help and get on medications or seek mental health professionals to receive therapy. Well, it's not so simple for me. Firstly, I have suffered with mental health for upwards of 30 years, with the last 15 being especially hard. I've been on many medications; they only work for a short time, then they don't work at all. Medications are also expensive, most especially when you need to take multiple medications for multiple medical conditions. Therapy is expensive.

My particular insurance will only cover a percentage of the cost of my medications or therapy, then I go into what is called a gap, and I have to cover the total cost of the medications. Some of my medications are almost $400 for a 30 day supply. Living on disability, I would be spending all of my disability pay every month on medications, and I still wouldn't have enough to buy all of them. It's similar to going to therapy. My particular insurance will pay for a certain amount, and my copay starts at $45, depending on specialist or specialty. Add that up over a minimum number of sessions (usually once weekly), and that's almost half of what I am paid for disability per month. I cannot afford that.

So, my therapies are connecting to the Earth and nature through my homesteading and gardening efforts, my family and close friends to vent to, and sometimes, that's not even enough to not experience a sense of being alone. Not because of lack of receiving support, love or empathy, but because I feel like a chronic complainer or whiner; a burden. This is common with most people who suffer from a mental health issue. I feel worthless and hopeless because I can't help myself sometimes, so how do I help others? It's a struggle on the daily.

Today I had the ability to till up some of the garden, and I did it by myself. I didn't ask for someone else to do it, even though I'm still on surgical restrictions. It was something I needed to do, to improve my mood, not feel helpless or hopeless; to gain energy from the Earth. I also had my grandson today, and even though I was getting frustrated with him asking me to do something for him, it helped me. His energy and love gave me a boost. He was the best therapist today. 

Keeping myself busy in the garden and with my grandson is what helped me today. Tomorrow, who knows what will help me the most. Tomorrow may not require me to need anything extra. It could be a great day. The other side of that coin, it could be a day that I can't get out of bed, for many reasons, depression related or one of my other health issues; it's always a game of roulette for me. I will do everything in my power to make it a great day. 

I hope that today's entry finds you well and gives you some hope or insight. Remember that you are not alone; even if you feel like it. 

Blessings