30 Days Hath September, But Depression Lasts Much Longer.

 I'm sure that most everyone knows the old rhyme that starts '30 days hath September; April, June and November.' It was a clever way for us to try to remember how many days were in each month. I have seen in various nursing journals, studies on how having the ability to make rhymes or songs out of facts that you need to remember, commits them to memory better. But,sometimes, when trying to remember something more recent, such as an appointment, is forgotten quickly because we are distracted, consumed by something or, as in my case, suffering from depression. This is just one of the many issues that arise from this disorder.

Depression lasts much longer than those 30 days September hath, and sometimes, never goes away. I know this first hand, because I suffer with it, and have for many, many years. I've seen many doctors as the first step to "cure my problem", and that is advisable and admirable, but the follow through and the care throughout the journey is more important. The first thing the doctor will do, is give you a magical little pill and send you out the door. They might tell you that you should exercise more, change your diet up a bit, and, if feeling the need, maybe seek out the help of a mental health professional. Well, sure, all of those things may be helpful; if they're available.

There is still a negative social stigma to any kind of mental health issue, and it's unnecessary. There is so much information out there. Numerous studies have been done. Google will lead you to numerous medical journal articles on the subject matter. You can find medical sites by the thousands to sift through the millions of words written by medical professionals, on what depression is and how to combat it, so why, then, is there such a negative and dark light cast on a very common condition?

I've decided no more. I cannot sit back and watch so many people suffer in silence and hide in the shadows. I am not the only person that suffers with this. I can't possibly be. So, maybe if I can put my vulnerability out there for the world to see, someone else will benefit. And, if I can help just one person, in some way, then it's all worth it. 

Today I shall start my 30 day journey documenting my daily mental health and I hope that you will follow along, as I show you the reality of suffering with depression and what each day is like. I will be writing this blog daily for the entire month of September 2020 and I will be documenting it through a daily vlog on my YouTube channel, Royal Amethyst Acres. Link below:

Royal Amethyst Acres mental health playlist 

Today was an especially hard day. It's been increasingly harder on the daily for the last 20+ years. Sure, I've had some amazing blessings and good days in there, don't get me wrong, but the depression never goes away for very long. It got worse after each child, often times overshadowing the elation of the birth of my children, and they are 3 of the biggest and best blessings in my life. And, then, of course, life happenings have compounded both positive and negative feelings and emotions throughout the years. 

What has sent me into a downward spiral of hell this time, is the isolation due to the pandemic, some memories that have been trudged up and regurgitated, and emotional wounds that have never really healed, even with time and a better understanding of the past. It's the hell I live with every single day. And, of course, I have learned how to just put on a happy face to present to everyone to somehow be 'presentable' to the general public. Why? Because no one wants to see a miserable person on the outside; it's not acceptable. 

I get it. No one wants to admit to their shortcomings, faults, or even misery, and they sure as hell don't want to see or hear about anyone else's negative feelings. My response to someone when they're just casually asking me how I am that day in order to fill an awkward silence, "I'm alive and kicking. I woke up today, so I guess it's a good day." But, sometimes I would like to just scream and yell and cry. So,I have learned to give that response out of habit. Truthfully, any day that I get to spend on this amazing planet and with the blessings that are my family and friends, is a good day, but my brain won't let me feel it most of the time. 

It's a daily struggle. I wake up and lay in bed and try to think of a million reasons why I should get out of bed. I have to 'psych myself up' most days, just to get up and face my day. It's even harder to put on a smile or 'okay' face. It feels like a masquerade every single day, when deep down inside, I'm crying and screaming and I just can't let out even a peep externally. I tell myself to just shut up and move through the day. No one wants to continually hear me complain or whine, right? So, the face that most people see, is not what I'm truly feeling inside. It can't be. No one wants to see the truth.

I will continue each day with a raw entry. No sugar coating or painting a pretty picture. What you read each day on this blog and see each day on my YouTube channel for the entirety of September, will be unfiltered and maybe not even suitable for humans of a certain age. But, if you're struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issue, you will see that you are not alone. I'm with you and we are in a vast sea of others just like us. I hope that I can help you feel a bit more uplifted or at least not like you're fighting alone. I'm standing right next to you.

Wishing you many blessings and sending gentle hugs and peaceful, healing energy.