Hello, my lovelies. I hope that this evening finds you well and that you were able to find some joy and happiness throughout your day. It was just kind of a 'meh' day for me. I've also since had feelings of inadequacy and short comings, and I pushed through that, but I'm still a bit numb from things.
On this day, 16 years ago, my biological father passed away. This was the last time I ever saw him, and the last time that I ever spoke to him, was 13 years prior to that, in 1992. The story goes like this.
My biological father and my mother split up when I was 5 and the divorce was final when I was 8. I don't have very many great memories of him or the time spent with him, but I do have some of my stepmom at the time and my siblings that came out of that union. I am now closer than ever to them, but only since our father's passing. I spent more time with my stepmom and siblings throughout the following 6 years of the divorce, than I did with him. So, that's sad.
I'm pretty well over the loss of my father, but still not over the loss of all of the things that I didn't get to say to him before his death. I mean, I found out the day that he passed, that I had a 3 year old brother, so, there's that. But, all those years of no contact, wondering why I wasn't loved or cared for by him; that's the worst part. I have learned to deal with all of that pretty well, now, but the anniversary of his death is not something I will ever forget.
I feel pretty inadequate, though. I mean, who wouldn't, right? I am an adult, now (I think), and I know that there are consequences for my actions (or lack thereof). Tonight I had the 'pleasure' of experiencing a near failure. That is not something that I like at all. I know that there are lessons to be learned in failure, but I don't have to like the process, just like everyone else. No one likes to fail.
I started my live chat, as I normally do, every Monday at 7 pm. I actually started to panic. I started promptly and no one was there. I typically have someone there waiting and they have left the comment saying so. I didn't have that tonight. I started, then, one person came in, then two. My numbers started to bounce up and down between 0 and 4, and for the first several minutes, I only had the two people there. I was very close to shutting it down.
I had very few people in tonight, and that was super upsetting, but I pushed through it and had a nice conversation for well over an hour, after that. Technical difficulties with the chat not showing, not having an accurate count; it drove me crazy. I almost failed and gave up, truly. But, I pushed through and everything turned out okay, even with the small numbers I had.
I have been working pretty hard at this social media game. I have put up videos on TikTok, posting on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter; and, making a vlog for my YouTube channel every day, and almost every day a blog entry. I feel like I'm failing at this social media game and building my business and brand. I am brainstorming some ideas on ways to 'revamp' everything, and I'm hoping that these ideas will work. Proper marketing and branding is the key to success. At least that's what they say.
I hope that my feelings and short comings are helpful for someone. It's my intent to help as many as possible understand that I'm a normal human being, just like they are, and I have struggles and disorders, successes and failures, just like them. If we all can just see that and understand that we're not alone in all of these struggles, I think the world is going to be a much better place.
You are not alone.
Live from the Earth. Play in the dirt.
Blessings.
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